As some of you might have read, Michael and I are doing an experiment. We call it “The Experiment” and he has already written about it.
I’m sure more posts from me will follow on that subject. As I was in the shower yesterday, I had a thought and wanted to share it. I also thought it was a good way to allow you to see what The Experiment is aimed at or should help us see.
Basically, for the coming now 27 days we will try out some new things. I almost write that we well “deepen” our d/s, but that felt wrong. Saying that might mean that it wasn’t deep before or that whoever engages in a different kind of d/s has not a deep connection.
One of the things we plan on doing, which I will elaborate on in a different post, is him taking more control over things. It was prompted by me asking for it a few weeks ago. But back to yesterday’s shower.
Not much changed since The Experiment started. A few new rules had already been set before and became part of The Experiment. I had trouble naming areas or circumstances where I want to give up control or where he should take over. Mostly, because it is new to me and I lack experience here. But every now and then things pop into my mind.
I had bought some hair dye the other day and was planing on using it yesterday. Before I did, I decided to not just do it, but as whether I was allowed to dye my hair. Obviously I should’ve/could’ve asked before buying it, but that has never been negotiated and he didn’t express any desire for me to ask him about those things. And by the way, I was on the phone with him as I was buying it.
However, I thought it would be suitable for the time of The Experiment to ask permission and he was very pleased with my question. I was happy about it. So I coloured the hair and went to the shower to wash the dye out and, well, shower. As the water was running down my body and I was washing myself, I realised that it had been a while since I shaved. Any part of my body really. To be fair, it is winter, and he’s far away. And I was a bit lazy and had no desire for it. I was standing in the shower and trying to decide whether I should take the razor and use it or not.
That moment I realised that too was something I could ask permission for. As I was in the shower, without my phone, I didn’t ask. And I didn’t shave, because I couldn’t be bothered.
That wasn’t the thought I was initially talking about. After stepping out the shower and getting dressed again, I sent him the following message:
I need you to take control of things which you want to control. Not wait for me to say or ask for it.
What am I trying to ask or say?
This situation is new for me and new for us. I know that Sir wants me to feel good about The Experiment, about our d/s, about us. I might be wrong, but sometimes it feels like he’s being extra cautious. In order not to do something I won’t like or push me too far. I love that abut him and it is perfect.
Yet, every now and then, I find it hard. And there are different aspects.
When I ask for things and not have him tell me what he wants, makes me wonder whether he’s only doing it because I want it, not because he does too.
Or maybe he’s happy with how things are and it’s just me who wants something new.
And, im not feeling submissive when it’s me asking and demanding want saying those things.
That is naming only three of the many thoughts in my head. Not sure whether the request I made to him was clear or anything I wrote here. But the need to write and explain was so great. Probably mostly to sort my thoughts.
Off I go. To bake and enjoy whatever the following 27 days have in store for me.