We had another Mean Day™, last Tuesday. We have decided to have one Mean Day™ a month. So the month was coming to an end, and a day was set. As Tuesday approched it became clear that we both were in need of a Mean Day™. Michael maybe more than I.
As usual I got my rules and tasks for that day in advance. I asked some questions and adjustments were made. As I woke up, Mean Day™ began. I knew exactly how the day was supposed to start – also known as “I had plans”.
The morning did not go according to plan. My plan that is. I still did all the tasks and followed all the rules and it even said that I should only do a certain task “if possible”, but I was disappointed.
I’d say the day went alright. He will tell you that I did really well and some things even pleased him a lot. I didn’t see how that anything I did was that special and I’ll admit, I wondered whether he was just saying it to make me feel good. Good, because I was upset things didn’t go my way and also because it that case it was a task that I have trouble with.
The day and Mean Day™ was coming to an end and I felt good about it. I had been successful, we had deepen our d/s. And most importantly, I didn’t feel a drop coming on. Even though there were intense moments, which I love, I felt the day was well balanced.
We were talking about how the day went and he asked my what I liked about the day. I found it very hard to answer that. All that kept coming to my head were the things that didnt go well. Better said, they didn’t go the way I wanted them to. As the evening went by, I was crossing things off my schedule. But I wasn’t getting the satisfaction I usual get from crossing things I did from a list.
So I began thinking about the schedule. He sets the schedule for me. It’s a new thing we’re trying and something I asked for. As I was thinking about the to-dos on that schedule and how sometimes the days are too short to really do all the things, I wondered whether maybe the schedule was too much.
My train of thought made me end up at the thought that maybe the schedule is not good for me. I mean, what was I thinking? And how can he give me so much to do? Is it even possible to get all those things done?
Told you, I wasn’t dropping… At some point I stopped myself. And I take great pride in the fact that I stopped myself before I started an argument with him. I made myself clear that I could always pause the schedule or modify it. It’s not set in stone. As I realised the obvious, I also began to understand what was happening.
I took a deep breath and accepted all the feelings and thoughts I was having and then I made the conscious decision to wait till next day and see how I’d feel about a of it then. Because there was that tiny, little chance that all of that might’ve been connected to the intensity of Mean Day™.
Lo and behold! On the next morning I was back to my normal self. Today, two days since Mean Day™, I still gave trouble accepting that things didn’t go my way and yet were still perfect. But I have also learned something about myself and for myself. That doesn’t mean that I won’t overreact and push back and push him away.
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