Thought of You

Thought of You

It will always be a mystery to me how we can’t forget the love that forgot us.

JM Storm

He texted again. Out of the blue. Usually we only exchange texts on birthdays and maybe New Year’s. That is certainly more than with most of the men I have been with. Especially in the context of d/s.

He texted again. It was a picture of a paper. You could see that it had been folded and unfolded. He probably had it in his wallet. It’s a paper taken out of a spiral note pad. Each line is written on. Even without his comment about the nice hand writing, I recognise that it’s mine. Right away I know what is written on the paper and the reason.

It’s been years. 2013. And yet I remember clearly. I had been texting back and forth with him. I text fast and sometimes that leads to mistakes. Instead of finishing a sentence with “my Sir” I accidentally wrote “my love”. He corrected me, but I knew deep down I wanted to call him that as well. I also knew, he didn’t want that. It was an honest mistake and we moved on. A bit later, my phone suggested again “my love”.

This time I knew what I was doing and I wrote that deliberately. I probably did it a few times. The result was me writing a page full of “My Sir, not my love. Not my love, my Sir.” without mistakes and in two different languages. Next time I saw him, I handed him those pages.

Back to 2021. Apparently he was sorting out papers and found that. It made him think of me, so he texted. As innocent as it sounds, it’s a pattern. It’s what he does. He texts because he finds old pics of me on his old phone or something I gave him or something he sees reminds him of me. It’s always innocent and casual.

There were times when my heart would start racing when it happened. He thought of me, just as every now and then I thought if him. Does he sometimes wonder what would have been, like I do? We’d text and within minutes the innocence would be replaced by subtle flirting. Nothing too specific, but we’d both know it’s flirting.

Besides flirting nothing really happened. We met again twice since he ended the relationship in 2016. Once about a year later. It was nice and the sex was good, but it wasn’t the same. And again in 2019, with his then-girlfriend.

Today I don’t wonder anymore whether he asks himself “what could’ve been”. I’m pretty certain he doesn’t. Maybe it is as innocent as he claims and something triggers a memory of me, maybe there’s a hidden agenda. I have decided that both might be true. Would he act on it, if I made clear that I want to see him? Is he hoping for sex or more? He said he’s not into d/s anymore and not looking for a sub, probably.

That was in 2019. Since then things have changed. For both of us. Deep down, for years, I had hoped that he would change his mind. I knew, if he’d told me he wanted me back, I’d be back with him. I couldn’t forget “my love” while he did.

Looking back at it all, I realise that I couldn’t forget that love because I never understood why it ended. I had many theories, but never a real reason. There was no closure. That is what made it impossible to forget that love, while he moved on. To him I became someone to text when he was lonely, because I’d always answer and be there and waiting.

He texted, we chatted for a bit and then I went on with my life. That has happened a few times in the past 1.5 years. I still don’t have closure, but I’ve accepted that sometimes that is how life is.

And maybe it all has changed and now he can’t forget a love that has forgotten him.

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One comment

  1. I think you are right. The problem is a lack of closure. The human mind and heart wonder, sometimes too much. And that niggling in the brain can drive us mad. Letting go of something when we don’t know why it ended is frustrating and difficult, sometimes impossible, depending on personality. I had a relationship like that…and I had to move far away to keep myself from falling back into it and being a doormat whenever he called. I wasn’t strong enough to just say no.

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