There are things I crave when it comes to d/s. Mostly it’s control. I want to be controlled. I enjoy asking for permission for things. That is why something like orgasm control never bothered me really. It felt right. Mind you, of course there were struggles and still are. But the joy I receive from it is so much bigger.
There are things I hate in life. One of the things I really hate is being controlled. I love being in control. Knowing that everything I’d going according to plan, my plan. That is the reason I’m so much better at being an organiser than a participant.
Now, as one can imagine, the craving of being controlled and the hate of being controlled don’t make my life too easy. Even more so, if you add to it that I told Michael I’d like him to control more in my life.
And because its not complicated enough, I have noticed another thing about me. I want to be made to do something. Not necessarily by force, at least not all the time. But I want him to tell me that he wants to be in control of a certain aspect of my life.
I don’t mind asking him to take control of something. I did that before. For example I asked to ask permission to meet friends. I knew it’s safe, as he isn’t unreasonable. And I enjoy it. As far as I can remember I haven’t regretted giving him that control. But sometimes I don’t want to be the one asking. I want him to tell me that from now on he will be the one deciding something for me. Like when I can have chocolate.
Here that brain of mine comes in. When I’m upset or feeling overwhelmed or anything other, I found myself not wanting to do whatever he tells me to. I feel like I’m being forced to do something and I want to break free.
Now chocolate is an easy example. I really don’t care for it and for all I care, he could forbid me from ever eating it. But, where’s the fun in that? I realise that it is quite contradicting. Yet I haven’t found a solution yet. When I push back, it usually is through the rules he set, not the ones I asked for.
What I started to do, every now and then, is trying stuff out. I ask for permission for something and see how I feel. My hopes are that he’ll like it and will want it to become a rule. I think that is how part of my going to bed routine became what it is now. I asked whether I was allowed to get ready for bed, he liked it and suggested that we’ll make it a permanent rule. (My memory might be wrong though.)
That way he decides that it becomes a rule, why I was the one to suggest it. Chances of me pushing back on that one are slimmer. I won’t say they are none, but much less likely.
A problem I seem to face is that while I know what I’m doing and trying out, he still hasn’t managed the art of mind-reading and my subtle suggestions are not as clear to him as they are to me. I find myself in a quandary. I don’t want him to simply tell new rules and take control over my life. He wouldn’t do that, as it is hard in a LDR. But I also don’t want to be the one to telling him that I want to be controlled and ask for permission to have crisps (don’t you dare) or take a shower or colour my hair.
At least I never said that being my dominant is easy. I know we’ll figure it out. But for now, I think it time to actually go and colour my hair.