I’m not sure I’m smarter than I look. But for sure I’m less rational or logical (sometimes) than I normally act.
Most of the time I know what is right and what could work and what probably won’t. But every now and then I decide to go for the option that is less likely to happen or makes less sense. Best example is me looking for a dominant man to experience d/s with again and knowing, from experience, that I need someone local. And yet, I ended up with my Sir living in the UK. And that was all BC (Before Covid). Back in the day when we all had no idea what “complicated” could become. Nonetheless, I know I made the right choice.
Another, more recent, example is my safeword. A while ago, in January, I asked to change it. To be fair, I didn’t ask, I told him that I would and then went to sleep. Yeah, I don’t always have a great timing. I might work on it – one day.
The safeword I had up until recently was inspired by a book. A book he had suggested and I really enjoyed. I had read that book before we met in person. When it was clear where things were going with Michael and I, we spoke about safewords. Not about the concept of it, but in order to decide what the safeword would be.
When asked to chose a safeword, I wanted it to have a connection to the both of us. Looking back now, I realise that while we had been in daily contact for a while at the time, we didn’t yet have many things that connected us. Unless I wanted the safeword to be “Twitter” or “WhatsApp”.
The choice was made and as I said it was inspired by the book. Since then I had used it over and over, even during situations when we weren’t together.
I have mentioned in previous posts that I know he had been with other people before he met me. I know that he has had sex and loved and did the whole d/s thing with other people. And I’m glad he did. He learnt and became the man he is today. The man I love. I know and understand it. It truly isn’t something that bothers me.
A few days before I made my request (aka demand) to change the safeword, I was on Twitter and came across a revived old post from someone I follow. It might’ve caught my eye, because the post’s title was my safeword, or at least part of the title. That, in combination with the fact that the post was written by his ex partner, was what really made me read the post.
The post had obviously nothing to do with my safeword, but with said book. It’s one of his favourite and I’m not surprised he recommended it to other people in his life. But suddenly it made my safeword not that special. It was still quite special, but it wasn’t connected to just the two of us anymore.
On any other day it might’ve not bothered me at all. But as often, it is all about the state of mind at the time. Like I said, sometimes I do things that aren’t logical or rational. Often that happens when I’m in a more vulnerable mood. The problem is that I don’t always know that I am more vulnerable at a specific moment. I realise it only later, looking back, understanding why I reacted the way I did.
But that’s how I am and maybe one day I will learn how to recognise how I am doing at the time. But when I read the post, it was not that day.
As irrational as it sounds, I felt that our safeword was not something that was just between the two of us anymore. I let that feeling sink in for a few days (yes, instead of speaking up right away) and presented him with my decision. It went better than you’d expect. He asked why and what I’d wanted to change it into. Because he is amazing and understanding and knows me.
The next time we had a call, I explained the why. While I was explaning it, I listened to myself and felt unreasonable. Yet, he understood. I still had to decide on a safeword. I took my time. But the next Mean Day approached and I needed a safeword. That was the moment I realised the perfect safeword was basically right there with me the whole time. It’s something he gave me, it gives me comfort – and it truly is perfect for the two of us.