Nothing You Can Say

Nothing You Can Say

Do you follow Michael on Twitter? If you’re not, you should. He is brilliant and funny and helpful and wonderful. Though he’s not tweeting much lately, but a big part of his tweets are about me. Actually his thoughts about me, him missing me, and things like that.
Just the other day he wrote:

There are times when my love for her brings tears to my eyes

And:

I don’t think I have told you all today how much I love her

I do and I never can find the words to express how much.

So this tweet will have to do

I’m not trying to show off or anything. My bragging does have a point. He is tweeting about me. Me! As ridiculous as I sound repeating it over and over, I have to. I repeat myself mostly for myself. I’m not used to that.

Not that I haven’t been loved before, but this is different. Obviously every relationship is different and it should be. This one though differs so very much from everything I had before. Especially in my d/s relationships. How do I explain it?

Once upon a time there was a very romantic girl. She’d dream of love. Showing the love she has to give and getting that back in return. And because she was so romantic, she’d fall in love easily and over and over again. But that also meant she’d be hurt a lot. She had so much love to give, but she got little in return.

Fast forward many years and a few major decisions later, that girl – woman now – came to terms with how life was. She built up walls to protect herself and became cautious. But a little part deep inside her still had hope. Whenever she’d show her romantic side, it was made clear it had no space. In the rare cases she let her guard down and allowed romantic feelings to happen, she was hurt really bad.

Needless to say, that is me. Things changed a bit in the past 1.5 years. He is so often so sweet and romantic and full of love that no matter how much I wanted to resist, I couldn’t. And while I still am not as disgustingly sweet on Twitter or out in the real world (that’s probably just not me), I have noticed a change in myself. You should see some of our WhatsApp conversations. We can be so mushy that I don’t recognise myself.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot of naughty, protocol-ly, d/s-y stuff going on, but all that is part of us. The d/s, the romance, the silliness.

Today he caught me off guard. We were talking on the phone. We talked about what we’d do, if I’d be in England with him right now. And then he said, when the world is normal again, he’ll take me with him to the Munch, to “show off my incredible and amazing girlfriend”. Of course I couldn’t express what I felt at that moment and even now, I have no words. There was and is this deep, warm, amazing feeling.

Often I don’t have the words to describe how and what I feel, in any language I speak. As I wrote this post, I remember a wonderful Beatles song:

All you need is love

There is nothing you can do that can’t be done

Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung

Nothing you can say

But you can learn how to play the game

It’s easy

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