Post 4 on 30 Days of d/s:
How do you handle conflict now? How do you imagine handling it in D/s? What do you think you’ll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?
As I’m already in a d/s relationship, I guess, I should write about how conflicts are handled by me and us.
I don’t like to argue. I do it, but I’d rather not. I like to get my own way, who doesn’t? As a teenager I would try and avoid conflict and arguments as much as I could. But that wasn’t always possible.
I guess, in a way, I still am like that. But I’m less afraid of conflict than I was before.
I had conflicts in my past relationships, d/s and vanilla. Some went well, some didn’t. But conflicts in vanilla relationships always seemed easier. Maybe that is something that is in my head, maybe it had something to do with the dominants I was with and how they and I saw our dynamic. Or maybe I never dated them for long enough to have any serious conflict or argument.
To be fair, I never saw any of those relationships as something that would last for longer than a few months.
I never saw myself entering into a 24/7 d/s relationship. Conflict and arguments was and is one of the reasons.
To this day I have trouble to see how in a 24/7 relationship a conflict could be resolved in a “normal” matter. While I prefer to not have conflicts, when I have them, I have no intention on being polite and obedient and submissive when it happens.
I will stand my ground, not allow interruptions, and I might even use words that somehow don’t fit into the idea of a “good” submissive.
How will my dom not use the dynamic to shut me up or end the argument? Just the though of it makes me a bit panicky and I really don’t like feeling that way.
I realise it is about negotiation and the wants and needs of people involved. It also has a lot to do with trust. But even then, a part of me does not believe I could act the way I want in an argument without any consequences.
I’m not in a 24/7 d/s relationship, if you ask me. Michael might tell you something different. But in my mind we’re not. It is d/s which shows as well in sexual acts as in things he has control over in everyday life.
The way I deal with conflicts and arguments is not one of them. And I can’t say it ever will be. That wouldn’t be me.
Looking back on conflicts we had in the past, I find myself to have been more aggressive than I’d usually be. Now, that I’m writing this post, I wonder whether that is because of the way I fear, I might lose myself in a d/s relationship.
Michael is not really fun to argue with. He’s understanding and stays calm and will say he’s sorry and agree that he’s at fault. I find that irritating. Mostly because it’s not what I am used to at all.
He will make sure that we’ll revisit the topic, if that needs to happen, but he’ll be that unique calm person that he is.
As I mentioned my fear of conflict within a d/s relationship, he pointed out that maybe I should look at how he reacts when I’m being a smartass – which happens on a very, very regular basis – and what the consequences are. (FYI, there are none, besides a chuckle maybe a playful spank.)
But fear of losing myself is not something rational.
To answer the question on how I handle conflict within d/s and what the difference is between that and any other conflict, I want to say there is none. Not for me anyway. I will be the way I am and I know I am accepted that way. Because nothing else would work for me.
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