Today’s 30 Days of d/s is about communication.
What is your communication style? What happens when you try to communicate your thoughts or needs?
I don’t have a problem communication. I talk to people. I talk in front of people. I enjoy all that.
My rhetorical techniques need some more work, but the point it, talking is not a problem. But I’m cautious. That is most likely linked to my many very shy years as a child and teenager. Often enough I will first listen to the other people in the room and their opinions, understand who it is I’m talking to, and then chime in.
When ‘m prepared for a certain topic or it is something I know a lot about, I can go on and on with my speech.
When it comes to talking about my needs it gets a bit more tricky. I can still do it, but I find it harder. My needs and intimate thoughts are not something I can share with everyone. Not even all my friends. I’m not so sure how a lot of them would react if they’d find out about my kinky self.
But even outside of kink, it’s hard. While talking about sexual things with a few of my friends is easy enough, what I struggle with is talking about all if that with the person I’m with. The person I should be able to talk to about exactly that.
Sharing my thoughts and wants and needs is extremely hard for me. For no reason I can think of. I feel shame and discomfort. If I can actually manage – it takes me forever to get over myself and say what I want. It has always been hard for me.
Do I fear rejection? Am I scared of opening myself up and making myself vulnerable? Did society teach me that women don’t talk about that kind of stuff?
If I had to guess, all of the above.
Now that is all very unfortunate and probably the reason for several failed relationships. But I do know that communication is so very important. And being open about what I need and what I think is crucial in d/s. Luckily, I have found a way around that problem – writing.
Writing has always helped me. Whether it’s this blog or an email.
Writing words is less scary than saying them out loud. Probably, because I don’t have to look the person I’m saying it to in the eye.
I am aware that writing is an aid, not a solution. And I feel I’m getting better at communicating those scary things like needs and feelings directly, but it is a long way.
Communication is one of the most important things, but it’s hard. For everyone. This is why we need to make our partners feel that it’s safe to open up and speak freely. Feeling accepted makes it much easier.
Give it a try, close your eyes if you have to. It won’t get easier right away – but remembering that it wasn’t as scary as you thought it would be, will help.
Learn more about the 30 Days of D/S at LovingBdsm