Handling Emotions

Handling Emotions

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Negative emotions are natural and normal. But once you’re in a D/s relationship, there’s an expectation of how you’ll behave with your partner. Both of you, regardless of how you identify, should be polite and respectful, but this is often easier said than done.
How do you handle negative emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear now? How do you expect that to be different in D/s?

I disagree with the way the question is asked. That might be a language thing, something I come across every now and then. I’m not a native English speaker, so sometimes my understanding of words is influenced by German or by the context I’ve learned the words in the first place.
Let me explain what I disagree with.

I can see how there are emotions which make us feel good and others which make us feel bad. Being scared or angry isn’t a good feeling. Yet I find that those aren’t necessary bad emotions. Under normal circumstances there’s a reason for those emotions and these reasons need to be understood. For the d-part and the s-part in a relationship.

I remember when Michael and I first started talking, the topic of jealousy came up. He was sorry for being the jealous type. He felt bad for feeling jealous and kept telling me how it was his problem to deal with. I tried to make clear that I though he was wrong. We are the way we are. We can work on ourselves, but only up to a certain point. Repressing these feelings will not lead to anything. They need to be addressed, talked about, understood and accepted. By one’s partner and oneself.
Feelings aren’t negative, they are feelings and valid.

Having that said, let’s see whether I can actually answer the questions.

I asked Michael on his thoughts on the introduction and the questions. And for some reason he laughed loud and hard when I read the “polite and respectful” part. I guess that says a lot about the way I react to feelings that are described as negative. Or rather the way I communicate them, when he is the reason I have those feelings or I believe he is.

He drives me crazy sometimes and that is something I came to accept. He drives me crazy in a good way. Sure there are things he does that I find harder to deal with. But usually the feelings stop when he’s done doing that annoying thing – like eating cashews right next to me.
When I am upset about something my way of dealing with it has different stages and is influenced by several things.
The first thing that happens is that I realise something upset me. It might bother me at that moment, but I rarely address it right away. Instead I do what I do best, I let it sink in. After a while and much dwelling on it, I might express it. I don’t address it right away, because I think that maybe I was overreacting at that moment and will see things differently when I have some distance. I will let you in on a secret: I rarely see it differently.
When local life is particularly difficult, it will affect the way I communicate whatever it was that upset me. Most likely, I am not be the most pleasant person and just thinking about the way I am, makes me me wonder why he keeps up with me.

I need to say that I can be the same way outside of d/s.
The idea that I’d need to be all nice and polite is ridiculous to me. Fortunately he doesn’t mind that I am exactly that way.
I remember a conversation we had early on. It was about the way I should point out that he was wrong. I was told to say: “I’m sorry Sir, you seem to be mistaken.” I don’t think I ever got over myself to say anything like that.
I wonder how he would react to it today. He’d probably wonder what is wrong with me.

How do you handle negative emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear now? How do you expect that to be different in D/s?

I try to be reasonable. But often feelings like that, and many other feelings, aren’t logical or reasonable. I do my best to understand what is making me feel the way I feel and I try to find a way to communicate it. Most importantly, to communicate it before it becomes a bigger problem in my head than it is in reality. Yet I have to master that part.

And there is no difference within d/s and outside of it. Respect needs to be universal.

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