Today’s 30 Days of d/s has no question. But I will use the introduction to the topic to help my thoughts on it:
Most of us think of consent as a “Yes” or a “No” when it comes to sex. But really, whether in a vanilla or kinky relationship, there’s more to consent than that. Plus, some D/s relationships play with consensual non-consent. Some relationships have a rule that as long as the submissive is with the Dominant, consent is implied. See? Much more than a yes or no question. Think about consent and what it means to you.
That should be easy enough. Either you give consent and all is good or you don’t. But just as in other types of relationships, it’s not as easy as it seems. Maybe even more so in d/s. That is a topic I really would’ve liked to discuss with Michael, eye to eye. But as we both are back home, each in our own homes and countries, it can’t happen right now.
First I’d like to state that I believe consent is not just something the submissive has to give, but the dominant as well. While there is a certain dynamic and it might seem from the outside that in a case like consent is all about what the submissive wants or allows to happen, it is wrong. Both need to feel good and agree. I really would love to read and hear what dominants have to say on that topic.
Because I want to
Sometimes, when Michael does something, I like to ask: “Why?” I mean, sometimes I have it coming. More often than not. But every now and then he just does it. His answer is either: “Because I can to” or “Because I can”. Doesn’t seem s fair on the first look. And yet it is.
Do I consent to every squeeze of my bottom? Yes, in a way. I have consented to him being my dominant. And with that I have consented to allow him to do things like that to me without asking me first.
I know if I’d tell him that I don’t want that. At all or for a certain period of time, we’d have a talk about it. But he’d stop doing it. Because I withdrew my consent.
That one seems to be even trickier, doesn’t it. And I had and still have trouble with it sometime.
If you have read older posts on here, you might’ve come across a post about a fantasy of mine. Besides want to be made to do something, I like the idea of being overpowered and forced. And yes, rape play has definitively a place in my fantasies. But that is the point. It’s pre-negotiated. It doesn’t happen against my will and we both know that “no” and “please don’t” in that case doesn’t mean that. But even then I have the possibility to stop at any time. We both do.
While I don’t have much experience in consensual non-consent, I firmly believe that scenes and play like that need to be really, really well talked through before.
Silence gives consent
Yes, it does and no, it doesn’t.
It does, because we have negotiated terms before. We both have agreed on a dynamic and what is ok and what isn’t. As long as I don’t use my safeword, I am happy with what is happening, I want it to happen. And that can chance during play, in a month or over years to come.
And it doesn’t.
Michael just reminded me of something I said the other day and that it made him think of consent. We were in the flat we stayed in and I was walking around with a shirt and a thong – if that. At one point I had a thought and shared it with him. I thanked him for not assuming I wanted to fuck when I was dressed or not dressed the way I was.
I didn’t feel I was treated differently because of my clothes. There were no comments or winks or anything. Thinking about that made me realise that was the reason sleeping naked with him next to me didn’t feel as uncomfortable as it did with other people.
Me walking around naked, doesn’t mean I’m ready to do anything, except walk around naked and probably have coffee.
I have consented to be his. With that I have consented to power imbalance. I consent to it every single day. For as long as I want to. And as long as he consents to having me.
Learn more about the 30 Days of D/S at LovingBdsm
It’s nice to agree while everyone is happy with it.
Mutual agreement is a great thing. Otherwise, we are talking about violence.