Today’s 30 days of d/s deals with break-ups.
We sincerely hope that whatever good, healthy D/s relationship you find yourself in never ends or doesn’t end on bad terms. But the reality is that, for at least some people, they’re going to experience a D/s break-up at some point. For submissives, it can be particularly hard as you’ve come to rely on a person to help guide you and then they’re gone. It’s not easy for Dominants, either.
It’s important to know that many of the feelings you might experience are normal, and that you will recover.
Of course I had my share of break-ups in d/s relationships. Often it was me breaking things off. I had good reasons for it. I wasn’t happy or the relationship didn’t give me what I needed. And in some cases it was unhealthy for me.
It never was because I was bored or wanted to hook up with someone else.
Some of those break-ups, even though initiated by me, were hard.
There were tears and doubts whether what I did was right. Looking back I know that what I did was right and good for me and probably the man as well. But nevertheless, it’s hard.
On the other hand I had break-ups after which I felt like a weight was taken off. Those were the times I knew I did the right thing. Still you find yourself in a place where you wonder why it is that way. Why have you been in a relationship which wasn’t good for oneself.
The hardest part for me is that I rarely was able to be open about it. My d/s is mostly unknown to the people around me. I have friends who know, but they are very few. And while my online d/s community has always been there for me, it was also where my ex-dom was. And it’s hard for other people. They tend to take sides, even if they don’t mean to.
And of course the person I would turn to in times like that was gone. I couldn’t call him up and tell him about how bad I was feeling, because of our break-up. Break-ups are always hard. They suck and take time.
I have noticed that I go into a bit of a self-destructive mode. I look for comfort where there is none and end up being with someone, who’s not good for me. I get lonely and start thinking that I don’t deserve someone better. It’s all very dark and nothing I like to think about.
In the introduction to this topic it says “For submissives, it can be particularly hard as you’ve come to rely on a person to help guide you and then they’re gone.“
I can see how that is true. The rules and guidelines I had just lived by are suddenly gone. Things I learnt to do and ways I adopted to behave aren’t needed anymore. A structure, which had been built up, is gone and it’s hard. Lost is the word that comes to mind when I try to describe the feeling.
I can see how the quote is true for some. It might also be true for me, if I allowed myself to rely on someone that much. But the fear of experiencing just that is so big that I don’t allow myself this. Not only do I like doing things myself and taking care of all kinds of matter, I need to know that I can do it, when I don’t have someone around.
That can be challenging for a dominant. He’s supposed to guide me and help me and here I am, not allowing him to do just that.
I will let go, to some extent, but giving up all the power and control – I can’t. As I typed the last sentence I realised the way I phrased it. It sounds rather negative.
Break-ups are hard. Losing someone is hard. Having a deep connection, opening up about desires and fantasies and ideas, and then not being with that person is hard. Believing that you’d spend your life with someone and realising you won’t is hard.
The only way to deal with it is healing. Taking all the time one needs and heal. Do whatever helps (scream, cry, chocolate, write, etc.) and heal.
It’s not the end of the world and yet it can feel that way.
Learn more about the 30 Days of D/S at LovingBdsm