That picture represents my brain and life in the past month, a bit more than that, pretty well.
I have been busy. Like really, really busy.
Conferences, seminars, family, more work, more volunteer work, more of everything.
What I’m trying to say is, I was busy.
I knew I would be. I prepared something for Michael to help him with this time. But that is for him to share. Although, I might at some point. Being busy also meant that we wouldn’t be able to maintain our regular level of d/s.
There are always ups and downs. Some I’m busy, sometimes he is. That is how life is and we try to make it work. It would be that way even if we’d live in the same town. We both knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we also knew there would be an end to it.
So here we are. This week was more normal than the past 5. I asked to have my schedule back, which we paused for the time being.
I’m catching up with Twitter and the blogging world.
While our d/s never goes away and we try to have as much of it in our lives as possible, it was at a minimum at times. So coming back isn’t easy. Of course I wanted it back the way it was right away. But I soon realised that wasn’t possible. Just like with my yoga, it takes a bit of time to get back into shape and work on condition and routine. I tried my best to stick to the schedule and failed.
I’m not sure he would’ve brought it up or be patient with me, as he often is. But today I did bring it up. I mentioned that it wasn’t as easy going back to where we were as I thought.
The next moment he became strict. That was a huge change to the weeks before. And I felt a rush. How I missed this rush. At the same time I felt a part of me fighting against it. I wondered, why did I fight it. I know exactly why. I fight so much. With every year it seems to get more. Being a woman and fighting to be heard and seen and understood – especially by men, but often enough by women as well – is something that started to become me so much that my first reaction is to fight back.
In the other hand, his strictness gave me that wonderful feeling. I got to feel my submission. I missed that so much.
It was contradicting and I know it will be the same in the future. But I know I missed feeling submissive and submitting to him.
I’m less busy now and I hope I can use this time to connect to my submission and be the submissive he deserves.