The Act of Sex

The Act of Sex

fingers on melon
Photo by Dainis Graveris on

Sex means PIV

Everything else is foreplay, petting, making out, etc

I know for a fact that sex doesn’t mean PIV. Now I do. That hasn’t always been this way. I grew up with the same understanding most people I know have. There is petting and foreplay and oral and anal. But sex means a penis in a vagina. I feel there is a part of me which is still unlearning this.

The idea of what sex is, is shaped by society. There’s a norm and everything that is outside this norm, has to be something different. The more I think about it, the more confused I am. Where is the line between petting and sex? Are we making out or already having sex? It seems to be such an individual and case to case kind of definition.

I find it hard to describe what sex is exactly, besides PIV. Anal definitely counts as sex for me. Whereas calling it sex when I’m giving a man a blowjob or having him go down on me feels weird. When I masturbate, is that sex? If that is so, what if that happens in a dream? Did I have sex with myself?

Is it sex when there are orgasms? That is not true at all. I’ve had a penis in my vagina and neither of us had an orgasm. I’d still say we had sex. Maybe not very satisfying sex, but it was still sex.
And does that mean both need to orgasm for it to be sex? Or did only the person who had an orgasm have sex?
Connecting sex and orgasms and saying that the act can be referred to as sex is when at least one person orgasmed seems like a male point of view. Orgasms don’t come easy for me. And same is true for a lot of other women. While for men, it appears to be much easier.
I would love to be able to have an orgasm every time I have sex, but those two don’t go hand in hand for me.
Did we have sex, if I wear a vibrator and he has the remote control and makes me cum?

The more I write and think about it, the more I start to realise the following.
Maybe the word “sex” is what is the real problem.
If I’d say “sexual activities” and have a word for each, it would be easier for me.
Michael and I engaged in sexual activities. I gave him a blowjob, he fingered me, and then he stuck his cock in my vagina (poetry, I know).

How many people did I have sex with?

Well, that used to be an easy answer for me. Not because the number was small or easy to remember, but because thinking of sex as PIV was not complicated.
If I’d be asked this question today, I would need a lot of time to think. I could do some thinking back and counting. I would most likely make a list to make sure I didn’t forget anyone. And then I could name a number. Something between 35 and 40. I always feel like that is a rather big number. But oh well, it is what it is.
This number however is only the PIV sex I had.
This isn’t counting the three women I was with (or was it more?). It’s not counting in any other encounter I might have had.

How many people did I have sexual activities with?


Read more thoughts on sex and PIV:


  1. Ahhh yes, it definitely compliactes the, how many people have to you had sex with, question. I definitely lost track of that number was during my summer of swinging way back when


  2. This is a conundrum of our time.
    The Me Too movement started changing my perspective.
    As every writer and crafts person knows words have power. And as I ponder I have my own conclusions.
    Sex is an act.
    Gender is biological or how we present ourselves. A person’s personal presentation is gender.

    I have a cousin who is biologically male but is most comfortable in his skin when he presents female. His sex is gay. He most often presents as male because of societal norms but give him pumps and a dress and she is happy.

    I am a straight male (cis male if I am learning the vocabulary correctly I’m over 60 and the vocabulary shift is a transition.)

    Sex is an act in and of itself includes consensual and non-consensual acts.

    PIV is only one of a myriad of acts.

    An orgasm is not required to have sex.
    I have had sex online more than I have had PIV.

    I have made my Kitten cum verbally without ever touching her or she touching herself.

    I laughed when Bill Clinton in his defense said a blowjob was not sex. But it revealed to me that at the time I was in the minority considering it so. I considered my stories given to women to titillate and seduce online wasn’t sex until my wife used it as an accusation of cheating. I reminded her that she used to think a blow job wasn’t once. A double standard? Or an example of how opinions shift as we grow and learn.
    Is a bdsm session sex if there is no PIV or outright stimulation of sex organs?
    Philosophical questions that have no easy answer.

    I know my partner would not appreciate me tying up or spanking anyone else. She considers those intimate acts bordering on sex.
    Is petting and making out or other non-touching acts that could be teasing sex? Maybe. When does it cross the line? As you say, a good puzzling question.
    For me they are precursors. A deep soul kiss is sex to me. YMMV. There is No True Way. There are many paths.
    This is the way.

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