Sometimes Michael says something about breaking me down. It usually is in during a certain moment in our more kinky moments. But whenever he says it, it stays with me. I have heard men say it before.
I never understood what it actually means, in practice.
My first thought always is that I’m broken enough. I don’t think I need more breaking.
In theory I understand. Break old habits. Stop them. Form a new me. Well, not totally new. Maybe breaking is the wrong word. I see it more like erasing what was written on a paper before and writing something new. Start over.
I can relate to that. And it’s sounds like a good idea in theory. But that is not how it works. Even when you do that with a piece of paper, you can erase all you want. A little bit will always stay. Some previous writing might’ve been light and it’s easy to make it go away, but other writing will fade, yet stay.
No matter how much force you use to erase. And if you you use too much force, you’ll tear the paper and putting it together will be nearly impossible. If at all.
Knowing myself, I don’t think that breaking me down and putting me together again, would ever work. It’s simply not me and will most likely result in a lot of fighting and the end of the relationship,
The more I thought on this topic, I realised that there might be a different technique, which has worked in the past.
Most men I met in the d/s context, weren’t too interested in my past. And let’s be honest, we usually weren’t together long enough for it to be an issue.
I’m not saying that my past is some horrible thing, but it has an influence on my today. Behaviour I learnt, things I experienced. We all have that. So, as long as it’s “just” play and my partner is not looking to really get into my head, all is good. But for it to be a trusting relationship, I need him to do just that. Get into my head.
And here comes the challenge. Because of my past experiences, I don’t simply allow that to happen. I might really, really, really want it. But it’s not something I can switch off and on.
A lot of work needs to happen there. Constant work. By both of us. That is exhausting. It really is. For both of us.
Of course breaking me down and create a new subby Lilly would be probably faster. But that’s not something that is possible with me. I don’t need to be broken down. I need to be worked on and worked with. The progress will be very slow and maybe not visible. But if we look back after a while, it can be seen.
I won’t be broken. Nothing will be erased. But the pages might be turned and a new writing will continue where the previous has been left off.