I was driving. It was a long drive and I was on the phone with Sir. We were talking about all kinds of things and if I recall correctly we started talking about what I want to do next time I visit.
We were talking about kinky things and my mind did what it always does when I have to answer questions like that, it went blank. I know there are things I enjoy. I also know there are things I want to try. And I am aware that I am safe with him and don’t need to be ashamed of anything I’m curious. Still, that doesn’t mean my mind will play along.
I took a moment to think about and started answering the question. A couple things came to mind, but at the same time I was very upset that my mind betrays me in these situations and I seem shy, while I’m simply lost in a blank mind. But that is a different topic.
He started making suggestions, which very very nice. And in response I did that other thing I do. I get quiet. I mean I still answer the questions and react, but in a rather quiet way. I say “mm-hmm” or actually do say “yes Sir”, but in a very quiet voice. The more submissive I feel the quieter I get. It doesn’t feel right to be loud, when feeling subby. But that can be a problem. Especially when driving on the motorway and talking on the phone. And again, not the topic of this post.
He was making suggestions and at some point he instructed me to answer loud and clear, saying “yes please Sir” if he said something I liked. As we talked some more, he switched from general ideas to more specific ones and began saying things like “I will tell you to say ‘Please fuck me Sir, being your fucktoy is what I was made for’ my little slut.” That was not a direct quote, but it’ll do for the purpose of this post.
This suggestion was met with “yes please Sir” on my part. Later I sent him a message saying:
I like it when you tell me what to do or say
I have to think less that way – if that makes sense
And while my recollection of the events might be not 100% accurate, as I just realised, the idea stays the same.
Being told what to say allows me to think less. Besides the problem of a blank mind on those situations (and/or shyness) it also takes so much of the stress of thinking away. I don’t have to think. I’m allowed (by both him and myself) to just be. To function. To lose myself in that moment and in my submission.
Maybe this is something worth trying next time I visit.