This morning I made a decision. I give up. It’s simply easier this way and probably less frustrating. I know it won’t always feel as easy as it did in the moment when I made the decision. But I also know that once I set my mind to something and/or make a decision, it becomes real and easier.
Since about the moment when I realised that Michael and I weren’t just talking but things were going into a certain direction, I tried my best to explain to him, why I’m not right for him. I could go on and name all the reasons, but that might make this post way too long. But believe me when I say, it’s all valid reasons. And very sensible.
However, Michael is a lot of things, but sensible is not really one of them.
A couple of weeks ago I had a very emotional evening. Many things came together and I was pushing Michael away. Telling him how I’m not the right person for him and why he shouldn’t be with me.
I don’t really know why I do this. I’m scared to lose him. I’m scared that one day he will actually see all that I see and understand that I was right the whole time. It might be a way for me to watch out for and protect myself. By bringing it up again and again, I prepare myself for when the inevitable happens.
Another reason is that I don’t want to hurt him. And I am extremely scared that I will do that. (Yes, I do realise that pushing him away hurts him. I never said, it was logical.)
I don’t want to see him hurt and I don’t want to be the reason he is hurting. But there is a part of me which is aware of this possibility. I don’t know what will happen in the future. What, if nothing changes? What if my choices, my life hurts him and makes him unhappy?
So last night I had a bit of a moment like that again. I have been told before that he is a big boy, by not only him. Still, I am a big girl and was in relationships which weren’t good for me and I knew it. I have been hurt before, badly. Being a grown woman didn’t prevent it in any way. You see, not really a good point.
I don’t think there is any reasonable thing and reason that will make me stop worrying and accept how things are. Maybe it’s not me.
This morning, as I was having my coffee and thought about last night, three words formed in my mind.
I give up
I wanted to send this thought to Michael right away. But I didn’t, for some reason. As I was on my way to work, I decided, it would be a good topic to write a post about.
I give up! This uses up way too much energy and I could do better things with this energy and time.
I give up trying to convince Michael that I’m not the right person for him. Maybe one day, he’ll figure it out or, just maybe, one day I will figure out that he was right all along.
I give up giving into these thoughts and fears.
I will however not give up on us.