H for Hesitation

H for Hesitation

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I’ve been struggling lately. I didn’t even realise, until a few days ago. And I have been hesitant to admit it, even to myself. I guess we all have had a two extra hard years and the world doesn’t seem to be getting better.

The last few months have been extra challenging for me. The kids had each their own struggles and those aren’t over yet. I suffered a loss in the family and another, much closer loss, is inevitable. Work was extra busy and working in welfare in times like now is quite demanding. Every time I feel I’m done dealing with one problem and have a moment to breathe, something new comes along and needs to be dealt with. Or something that did quiet down, pops up again.
There were moments in the past months when I wondered whether I am being tested on how much I can take. And I’m scared that by the end of the year I will find out.

I had several moments where I sat on the sofa, with tears in my eyes, feeling exhausted, thinking about not fighting. Just giving in, taking the easy way. Letting all the problems and challenges wash over me. Simply accepting the way things are and as a result be unhappy. Which obviously is not an option.
With all that, and other unexpected changes in my life, I didn’t notice that feeling creeping up.

I have been missing Michael more than usually in the past few days. But we were both busy and didn’t really have the time for a call and talk. In the beginning of this week I sent him several messages expressing how much I need him and to be with him and in his arms. While I do that on a regular basis, it were more messages like that than usual, which prompted him to ask whether I was alright. Us being busy since I left the UK about 4 weeks ago, made it hard. We went from being together 24 hours for a week to sometimes hours between messages. That is how life sometimes is and I know it will be better.
I realised I needed some more intense time with Michael, so I suggested a Mean Day. I find it often helps when we have been busy and weren’t able to spend a lot of time together. But suggesting it and having the Mean Day are two different things. And knowing that it will happen soon helps, but only a little bit.

The feelings I had progressed and while I was talking to my girlfriend later this week, I realised I was being extra vulnerable.
There were these little things which made me struggle and worry and be scared. I did my best to work on them. Meaning I did my best to push them away and ignore them. That worked about as well as it usually does. I did my best to be brave and wait for it to pass, until I couldn’t. Last night, when I felt we both seemed to have some free time at the same time, I finally said that I was struggling.

While I could say that and that I have been having a hard time the past few days, I couldn’t explain what the problems were. I felt it all very clearly, but I putting it into words didn’t seem to work. It wasn’t just one thing and some intertwine and that makes explaining it hard.
I picked one topic, the easiest one and did my best to explain. On a logical level, I knew all the emotions and bad thoughts I have been having were baseless. But emotions and fears are rarely logical. I talked and he replied. Being understanding as he always is. And I cried and he told me how much he loved me and tried his best to make me feel better again.
I didn’t not see it at the time yesterday, I did realise this morning. In fact, I was feeling a bit better.
Talking helps.

There are more topics which need to be talked about. I will need to find the words and the time to explain. It probably won’t be easy, but it will be ok.
And as a side note, I am very proud of myself for not pushing him away this time. At least not too much.

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