A bit of a sad and confused post. It represents my current feelings, I guess.
Today’s the last day of April. 4 months of 2022 have past. That means there are 8 more to come.
I had ideas what to wrote for my final post for the #AtoZChallenge. But life is the way it is and here I am, an hour before midnight. All day I have been debating with myself whether I should write a post or not.
I have suffered a loss. I’m still suffering and I will be for a while. So writing posts for my often NSFW blog seemed wrong. But not completing the #AtoZChallenge didn’t go well with my OCD.
This year has brought many things. Some very interesting and exciting. But also a lot of pain and sadness. Over the past 4 months, I have lost two family members. There are zero words to express how I feel.
Especially the latest loss is hard. My emotions seem to be like a roller-coaster. Sadness and tears, followed by forgetting what happened for a moment. And numbness. The numbness is what I find hard to deal with. How can I feel nothing?
Just as I was writing this post, I realised, it’s not nothing I feel. I just need a few moments of “nothing” in order to not be overwhelmed by all the other emotions.
While there are zero words to express how I feel, the feeling of numbness is OK and doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything. It simply means I cope.