Here’s post I didn’t think I’d ever write. Because this is not something we talk about much and it doesn’t really have any space in the sex blogging world. And yet, it is part of life.
I had mentioned before that I had lost people this year. My family isn’t big and having two family members die within a few months is hard. What makes it even harder is that one was a parent. And I am very close with my parents. It wasn’t unexpected, but that doesn’t make it easier really. This blog is not the right place to write about this.
And yet, this situation has an impact on this blog, my Twitter, and Lilly. It also has an impact on my and our d/s. It went without saying that all my tasks and scheduled things were not happening right after I got the news and the time as I processed it, had the funeral, and mourned the loss. Just as I left the office that day the moment I heard the news and my boss was understanding, so was Michael. Because both of them are caring and sensible human beings.
My schedule wasn’t undated and I cancelled my countdown to the next time I’d see him. We had finally found a date and a place. Michael had tickets for his flights. But no check in happened and no boarding. I cancelled the Airbnb. Of course those were little and less important things compared to the loss, but they all were a reminder that things were not going the way I planned or wanted, because of this huge change in my life. A change which could never the reversed.
Obviously the mourning is an ongoing thing and will continue for a while. But I had asked to get back to the schedule and the many daily things we do. He wanted to know that I was sure and I was. I also knew that while I was grieving and working through it all, he was far away and there was nothing he could do. To be fair, there wouldn’t have been anything if he was close or even in the same room as I.
It was hard for him, I know that. He was patient and understanding, because that is who he is. Only one tweet showed how much he was missing the d/s, the relationship, the dynamic, the normality – our every day life.
I missed it too. And going back to “normal” life was needed. Going back to work, doing the things I usually do, all was good for me. Same is true with d/s. Going back to our routine helped me. I don’t know how things would’ve been, if anything like that happened at the beginning of our relationship. But after 2.5 years it was ok to just tell each other how we felt and use words like “my love” instead of “Sir” or “my little slut”. It didn’t feel right for me and he gave me all the space I needed. Same would be true if it would’ve been the other way around.
And I know how hard not being able to do anything for him is. Maybe it’s like me having to be patient – I’m not a fan.
So here we are. I’m still processing and I will for a while. There are things which still need to be taken care of. Some small, some bigger. There will be days when the grief is almost unbearable and I have to concentrate on not crying because even little things might trigger tears. There will be days when I get annoyed that he doesn’t push me enough and I start questioning whether he actually want the same things I do. All while I know that he is being careful to not push me too much.
Because pushing too much might do more damage than not pushing enough.
What I find hard to getting back into the routine. But we will get there, I know.
D/s and mourning might not be a popular topic, but mourning, loss, and grief are a part of life and I believe should also be talked about. As much as all the happy occasions.