Recently it finally happened. I’ve avoided it for over 2 years. But then the other day there were two lines. On the Covid test. It really was a matter of time.
Now, it’s not me who was tested positiv, but one of the MiniMes. And wasn’t happy. For many reasons of course. Not that she missed school, but her friends and the social contacts.
One of the things which really got to her, was the fact that she had to stay in her room. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is what happens on a regular day. Apparently being a teenager means staying in one’s room from the moment one gets home. And only emerging when food is needed or I call for her, several times.
Yesterday or this morning, I left a voice message for my girlfriend. I was talking a bit about how I was doing and feeling. I’m not in a good place right now. Way too much happening in life and every time I feel I can’t take anything else, something else happens. But me whining about my life is not the reason for this post.
As I was recording said message, I realised what made the situation extra hard.
Most of the things, which make my life hard right now, are out of my control. And those that are, are difficult because of circumstances resulting from the non-controllable things.
It amuses me every single time. My need for control.
I need to be in control. I’m pretty sure I wrote about it before. I can only let go, when I know everything is taken care of. Or if I really, really, really trust the other person. Otherwise, I will do everything myself, because otherwise things won’t get done.
Over the years I have learnt to not obsess too much about other people’s things and schedules and tasks. But when it comes to my projects, it’s different.
Why is this so amusing?
Because all my adult life (and probably some time before) I have dreamt about giving up control and submitting. This seems like a contradiction and unhappiness destined to happen. And yet, my submission and my need to be in control go very well together. It’s all about the right person, just like with control.
Where is the connection to my poor quarantined teenager?
It’s all about choice. Choosing to stay in one’s room and chat, chill, do homework or whatever is very different from having to stay in one’s room.
Giving up control about aspects of my life is a choice, but having no control over the things happening to me and those things having an influence on me, my mood, my feelings, is very different.
My need to be in control and to be controlled are two sides of a coin. It’s all connected and I doubt I will every be able to let either go.