Toxic

Here’s a thought I have been having for a while now.

Am I the toxic one in our relationship?

Obviously, not all relationships have one toxic person and one non-toxic, but this question has been coming up again and again.

I don’t even know when I asked myself this question for the first time. It simply popped up in my head. It might’ve been after we had a difficult moment. Or while I was thinking about the way my life is right now and trying to figure out what else is wrong. 

But since that moment, the thought kept coming back. So I finally decided to do some reading and understand better what that even means.
I searched the web and read, until I realised I was making this extra hard on myself, as I was reading the articles in English.

I switched to German and that was about as helpful. “Are you in a toxic relationship? – Take the test” From what I can tell you about those tests, I’m not, but I should spend more time with my boyfriend. No shit Sherlock!
I would, if we didn’t live in two different countries and all the other stuff. These tests were less than helpful and I decided to go back to the reading.
Do you have any idea how much information is out there? OMG! How is one supposed to know what is total nonsense and what is accurate. Sure, common sense is helpful with that, but still.

Did the reading help? Yes, it calmed me down a bit. Many of the things described aren’t what I am. Or at least not the way I see myself. Up until I came across a list, which was super relatable.
7 signs one might be the toxic person in the relationship, I started reading them, and oh boy!

1. You have a huge fear of loss
2. You don’t communicate your needs clearly
3. You say “all is well”, when it’s not
4. You do things for other people, to feel good
5. You frequently question your relationship
6. You use silence or attention as punishment or reward
7. You expect other people to make you happy

Now, I should be clear, not all of these apply to me. But some do and the explanations of the ones that do, fit shockingly well.
So a new thought got added. What if other men I’ve been with were right? Maybe I am needy and all the other things, they might’ve said. Although no one ever used the word toxic. Sometimes I hate living in my head.

As I said, there were so many different definitions on what it means to be a toxic person. And so far I only found one I could relate to. In a different article, the conclusion was that it is a huge step to acknowledge that you yourself might be toxic.
I don’t know whether I am or not. There are definitely moments and situations in our relationship when I am the cause of stress, irritation, and tears and hurt. More often than he is.

Whether it has to do with toxic behaviour or not, I don’t know. (I know he will say I’m not.) What I know is that I don’t want to ask myself question like that, I rather work on myself and us and our relationship and make it work. In the best way it can for us.

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