I will admit it. I’m using him.
I’m using Michael.
Now before you all decide that I’m a horrible person, let me explain.
Every now and then I wonder whether this should work that way, but he doesn’t seem to mind and it even seems that it works for us and our d/s.
Before we even started talking I had tweeted I wished I had a dom who’d make me read more. I wanted to read, but I had the hardest time making time for it. As things developed I found myself with a reading task.
This task changed over time, because that’s how it work. Other things were added. I wanted to work out, we tried that. In the end, I’m happy I discovered yoga and again, it became a daily task.
This is how I feel I’m using him. I want to do something or not do something and he provides the framework really. Many of the things are not d/s related. None of them really. So it always felt a bit weird to me. Not that I felt bad about it. But somehow it wasn’t right. Being the submissive and using the dom – wrong. Or so my d/s socialisation made me believe.
Not too ago I realised how much I liked control. If things are right. Quite recently I asked for more control. In many parts of my life. Not just things like orgasm control or yoga or permission to get ready for bed. And it’s not always about asking permission to do or have something. It is also connected to accountability.
How much water I drink, just to name an example.
When I told him I wanted him to have more control and we talked about what it is he could control, as he’s sadly not with me every day, it seemed hard to figure something out. But since then I had more ideas. I hadn’t shared them with him yet. I was able to stop myself to ask for too much too soon. But there are definitely things I will ask for. All in good time.
How can I, as the sub part, use him?
I can, because it doesn’t mean I’m taking advantage of him. All of this feeds my need of being controlled and be held accountable. A need I always had, I assume, but wasn’t able to express in the past. And probably didn’t feel safe enough in past relationships.
And at the same time it feeds his need to control. He enjoys it as much as I do.
As a huge plus, it gets us closer and makes it possible to be in each others lives. Being aware what is going on at almost any time and becoming part of every day activities. Like having a coffee or leaving the office.
I’m not using him and he’s not using me. At least not in a bad way. But we have found a new way to express our d/s. And as scary as that sometimes is for me as exciting it is.
So I look forward to many more ordinary things I can give him control over and make them special this way.