I’ve not been sleeping well for a while now. Probably since the beginning of the year. It had been worse the past few months. Too many things are going on. With everything going on and the missing sleep, my head likes to go places. Bad places.
I don’t need to be sleep deprived for that, but I can definitely control it better, when I sleep through the nights. And have less stress and worry. This morning, as I was lying awake, my mind wondered. I thought about things which were said or suggested. I thought about a lot of stuff. And there was my mind.
I did what I do best – get worked up. Always a pleasure, for everyone involved in my life. But it was time to get up and as I was standing in the kitchen, drinking my coffee and being not happy, I had a thought.
I messaged Sir, asking whether it would be ok to request him being stricter today than he usually is. He had been talking about him being stricter on a more regular basis and wanted to give it a try, when we were supposed to be together in May, but then life happened and we never did.
I was scared at that thought and I still am. I had Mean Days™ which I ended early, because the strictness (and the distance which came with it) was too much for me. The idea of him always be like that is a bit terrifying.
On the other hand I also know that it focuses me. Or at least it has the potential to do so. I asked for it before, when I was visiting this summer and it had helped. This morning I knew I needed it, but at the same time I wasn’t too happy with this. It’s hard to explain.
Sometimes when he decides something, often when it’s something scary to me, I have this feeling of saying no. There’s a bit of panic and loss of control and I’m not feeling ok with it. Often I need to talk about it and then ask for it myself. Then I’m fine. I need my time to come to terms with things. But the at feeling of slight panic and anxiety is what I felt this morning, as I did my request.
I felt the way I’d feel, if he had suggested it. If he did, I would’ve probably given him a speech about how he’s wrong and who he thinks he is and be against it with every fiber of my being. I’m a good submissive like that.
But I was the one asking and I knew there is always the possibility to use my safeword, if it gets to be too much. I asked, panicked and did some deep breathing.
Of course he agreed and told me, I’d be his obedient little slut and will focus on that. He knew exactly why I asked for it.
It took me some time, but soon I felt calmer, more secure, more focused, better. The day could’ve gone bad, with the way it started. It was a good day. And as I sit here on the couch, writing this post, I decided that tomorrow will be a good day as well.