Category: <span>emotions</span>

Category: emotions

Drop by drop


There’s this emotion that I can’t quiet describe. I hate feeling it. It makes me sad. It makes me feel empty. It makes me cry. It makes me do or say stupid things, things that I usually regret afterwards.
This feeling does not allow me to think clearly.
Over the years I have learned to control a lot of my feelings. But with this one; this one is different.

The (sub)drop

Looking back and knowing that it was “just” drop, makes me see the men I’ve been with in a new way. Not necessary in a better way.
The way they reacted to me feeling it. They all are “experienced” Doms and one would think that they should know about subdrop and what to do with that sub. (I’m not going to talk about the guy who said: “Drop? As in fall down?” And: “Subdrop? What’s that? Do I have to be a woman to understand that?”)

P would usually make me feel as if I was crazy and not able to control myself. Somehow he would also disappear for a while, after him and me played and I left to go back home to Germany. Which was not helpful. I had the need to talk to him. Talk about what happened, how I felt and still feel. But he was nowhere to find.

J on the other hand was always there (in an online kind of way), but was not very smart with the aftercare in general and the drop. As an example: He had given me a big task and I have been working towards it for a long time. One day I finally did it and completed my task. Of course I was on a high that day and he paid a lot of attention to me. But the next day, when that high would fade and I felt a low he told me that he will have a new official submissive. (Guess, what I was… I was “non-official”.) That didn’t help with my drop.

And then came a man, who was and is not dominant with me. We started talking, became friends and finally decided to meet. In order to have some “recreational” time. Meaning to have sex 🙂
Before we met, I told him that I probably will be a mess afterwards and in the need of attention. He said: “It’s ok. It’s drop. That is normal. I will be here for you to talk to.”

Really? Was it that simple? It suddenly made sense to me. It’s just a drop.
It was a relieve for me. I suddenly stopped feeling like a crazy girl. The feeling had a name. Somehow that made it easier for me. The feeling was still there, but it had a name. And I knew I am not alone with it. He was there to support me and help me get through it.

What I started doing now is that I get upset BEFORE I drop, because I know that it’s coming. But I can express myself and I also know that it will be over.

I still find it upsetting. So there I am, having a great time with a person. Connecting with him, maybe even knowing that I will see him again. And instead of being happy about the time we had, I get depressed. And am sad. It really confuses me. I would understand that I would be upset, if we had a horrible time. But being sad about something good and nice? This does not sound logical to me at all.

I most certainly will drop. I am ok with it. It is a normal thing and I deal with it.

Please do not allow anyone tell you that it is wrong or that you should not have feelings like that. Also, let people help you. And if the Dom or play-partner doesn’t see the need to help you and be there for you then it is time for you to leave.


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What I look for in a Dom?

A few days ago I asked my followers on Twitter what it is that they want/need in a Dom.
I got a few interesting replies as well as some with which I was not really satisfied with. But after a couple of days of thinking I came to realise that it´s different things we all look for, as we all are not the same. For some people it might be important that they can do also vanilla things with their Dom, while others don´t care about it at all.
Some need to be pushed by a Master and other want him to know the limits.
The list just goes on and on and on.
But I´m not here to write about the needs and wants of other people, I´m here to write about mine.

So, what is it that I look for in a Dom, a Master?

I have understood that I am NOT looking for a real life Dom somewhere near. Not now anyway. I don´t have the time for it. I just started working again and I have other things that need to be taken care of. I know that an online D/s relationship also needs a lot of time and effort, but it is different and I know from experience that I can do it.

I am not looking for someone to fall in love with. Not in the common vanilla way.
I need someone who I can respect and who respects me, with all my
weird ideas and habits.
I need someone who is willing to REALLY get to know me. Because only someone who understands me can push me and can know how far he can go and what he can do with me.
I need to feel safe with him.
A lot of words and still I am not sure that I really said anything…