Category: <span>emotions</span>

Category: emotions

A promise never kept

There’s something I’ve been promised by a couple of people (men), but the promise was never kept.

To write something for me.

Why is it such a big deal?

I find it a very personal thing to do. It’s like making a mixed tale for someone. (Which I also have been promised, by a boy in high school, with whom I was madly in love. And I never got it…)
The person has to sit down, think about yourself. He has to care enough for you to concentrate on you. To wonder what you would like to hear or read. It needs time to be put into nice words, good sentences. It has to fit all well. And I it’s really good, one feels that it’s about you and for you.

As the mixed tape in high school, I never got a story or something similar.

For almost 2 years my ex told me he would write for me, but was never inspired to do so. I should mention that he writes for a living.
I’ve been with other men. I’ve seen them writing for their ex-girlfriends, ex-subs etc. and also for the new ones after me. But need for me.

Why I am so upset about it?

I am not sure. It has to do with promises which weren’t kept and with the feeling that all these men didn’t care enough to actually spend some time thinking about me and writing a little something.
Not a story, not even something describing him and me together.

It upsets me. And what upsets me even more is that the more I think about it, the more I come to a realisation, which I don’t like and have been trying not to have for a long time.

It has to be me. I am not memorable enough. Not inspiring enough. Not important enough. Simply not good enough.

Taking a break from thinking

(Writing this post made me remember why I started in the first place. Simply putting my thoughts down on “paper” made me much better.)

I have been having an emotionally stressing time lately.
It reached its peak last week. And it’s still not over.

The main thing that has been stressing me is my job situation. Very soon I will be out of a job and I don’t know what will come after that. I had some interviews. A couple of them even sounded good. But nothing worked out so far.

I also got ill and was feeling pretty bad for a week. It seems I have been caring a virus before and have infected two people. I was feeling bad, seeing them feeling horrible.

And then also last week and the week before, I had a few run-ins with some men, Doms mainly.
Because I was in a not very good state, I took a lot of things which were said to me too seriously or was offended by it. (That also applies to things said to me by women.)

Two of the guys turned out to be nice actually and somehow we got over me being too fast to judge and had a fresh start.
Then another one was my ex, P (the English Daddy). I blame him for everything and he’s always the bad guy. That’s what he says that I say. It could be argued about that being true or not. But I actually do not care.

The thing that really pushed me over the edge somehow, was an email from my last Dom, Principal Allen. I liked to think that he was the “sane” one, amongst my “exes”. But I guess I was wrong.
After I tried to connect him and didn´t hear from him in about 4 weeks, I started to worry.
It’s not like we talked a lot. But when both of us were online on the chat we used to use, we always said hi.
Right after the break-up we didn´t talk. Mostly because first I was very busy and then he was away on a long vacation.
A couple of months ago we chatted and he told me about his new girlfriend. He even emailed me her picture. I was very happy for him. (I admit, I was a bit annoyed by him talking about her a LOT, but still glad he found someone.)

The last time we spoke, it turned out that a friend of his girlfriend was spying on him, or something like that. She found out things about him and he was wondering how. Obviously.
He thought maybe I have been talking to her. But I haven’t been talking about him with anyone or even on Twitter for a long time.
We even made plans to meet for a coffee some time.

Then my iPod update happened and it took me some time to remember all my passwords, including the one for the Y!chat. When I finally signed in and saw him online, I didn´t get a response. Not on my email, not on my text. Until I said I will come over.

Suddenly he told me that I have been “stirring shit for months” and that I was trying to ruin his relationship.

That hit me hard. I’m ok with people not liking me, even hating me, not wanting to do anything to do with me. But that is simply not true.
I’m still not sure whether it was really him or maybe his girlfriend writing. And if it was him, from where he got that idea. Maybe one day I will know.

The worst part is that he had still a few of my things. For example my nipple clamps and two of my skirts. He threw it all away. Because I never connected him again. (That’s actually what makes me think that at some point I stopped talking to him and started talking to his girlfriend.)
I’m not very sad about the clamps and one of the skirts. But the other one was one of my favourite. That plaid one I wear on some of my FL pics.

Now add to all of that a bit of a drop and there I was, in a very bad mood, in a pretty unnice place.

At some point I realised that I had to shut up for a while and luckily my RL helped me with that. I suddenly was very busy with a couple of projects.
Seeing people, organising things, running around, doing chores, laughing, talking and and and. That all helped me.

Although some of my problems are still there, I am in a better place after taking a break from thinking and over-thinking everything.

I hope next time I will have the strength to do that again.

Thank you for being for me, even when I’m not the best person to be around. 🙂

Love,
Lilly

Romance

Please note that this is MY opinion I hear that next week is Valentine’s Day. It’s everywhere. All the stores are full of pink heart-shaped chocolate boxes. Even the spam mail is full of hearts. …

Drop by drop

 

There’s this emotion that I can’t quiet describe. I hate feeling it. It makes me sad. It makes me feel empty. It makes me cry. It makes me do or say stupid things, things that I usually regret afterwards.
This feeling does not allow me to think clearly.
Over the years I have learned to control a lot of my feelings. But with this one; this one is different.

The (sub)drop

Looking back and knowing that it was “just” drop, makes me see the men I’ve been with in a new way. Not necessary in a better way.
The way they reacted to me feeling it. They all are “experienced” Doms and one would think that they should know about subdrop and what to do with that sub. (I’m not going to talk about the guy who said: “Drop? As in fall down?” And: “Subdrop? What’s that? Do I have to be a woman to understand that?”)

P would usually make me feel as if I was crazy and not able to control myself. Somehow he would also disappear for a while, after him and me played and I left to go back home to Germany. Which was not helpful. I had the need to talk to him. Talk about what happened, how I felt and still feel. But he was nowhere to find.

J on the other hand was always there (in an online kind of way), but was not very smart with the aftercare in general and the drop. As an example: He had given me a big task and I have been working towards it for a long time. One day I finally did it and completed my task. Of course I was on a high that day and he paid a lot of attention to me. But the next day, when that high would fade and I felt a low he told me that he will have a new official submissive. (Guess, what I was… I was “non-official”.) That didn’t help with my drop.

And then came a man, who was and is not dominant with me. We started talking, became friends and finally decided to meet. In order to have some “recreational” time. Meaning to have sex 🙂
Before we met, I told him that I probably will be a mess afterwards and in the need of attention. He said: “It’s ok. It’s drop. That is normal. I will be here for you to talk to.”

Really? Was it that simple? It suddenly made sense to me. It’s just a drop.
It was a relieve for me. I suddenly stopped feeling like a crazy girl. The feeling had a name. Somehow that made it easier for me. The feeling was still there, but it had a name. And I knew I am not alone with it. He was there to support me and help me get through it.

What I started doing now is that I get upset BEFORE I drop, because I know that it’s coming. But I can express myself and I also know that it will be over.

I still find it upsetting. So there I am, having a great time with a person. Connecting with him, maybe even knowing that I will see him again. And instead of being happy about the time we had, I get depressed. And am sad. It really confuses me. I would understand that I would be upset, if we had a horrible time. But being sad about something good and nice? This does not sound logical to me at all.

I most certainly will drop. I am ok with it. It is a normal thing and I deal with it.

Please do not allow anyone tell you that it is wrong or that you should not have feelings like that. Also, let people help you. And if the Dom or play-partner doesn’t see the need to help you and be there for you then it is time for you to leave.