It all started with me saying “no”. He was telling me what to do, and well, here we are. And in retrospect I can say, I should’ve seen it coming. Funny, how sometimes I can’t see the obvious. What happened and were do we find ourselves?
Many moons ago, I was busy. A lot of different stuff was going on and the result was that at some point later in the day I realised I hadn’t had any food. You know those days. I shared my realisation with him and soon enough a new rule was implemented. I had to send a picture or description of at least two different meals every day. That was going well, on most days.
The other day anyhow, I told him what I had and he told me that it wasn’t enough. What followed was him telling me to have more food. It wasn’t even a lot of food, but I was full. He suggested I’d have an egg. I didn’t feel like having an egg. I also knew that I was out of cooked eggs and couldn’t be bothered to cook some. And as I said, I wasn’t hungry. I felt like I was forced to do something I didn’t want. So I did what I do in situations like that, I say “no”.
Of course I could’ve simply explained myself or used my safeword or a million other things, but that’s not me. I said no.
About a week or two later I saw that I needed a manicure and I thought about asking permission to make an appointment. There is no rule for this, but sometimes I like asking permission for things like that. I made the appointment without talking to Michael, but told him that I’d like for him to take control over more things in my life. I was thinking my nail appointments and such. He had an idea right away. I still am in shock that I didn’t see it soming. He suggested Meal Control.
There was a lot of talking and questions on my part. And a lot, a lot of thinking and overthinking. Mostly because I am me. In the end, he suggested a trial week. The rules were communicated and adjusted throughout the week. Once the week was over, I asked him how he felt about it and he enjoyed it. I on the other hand, still have mixed feelings.
On the one hand it made my life easier. I’d think ahead what I’d have that day. I have tried making meal plans for the week in the past, but that never worked. The Meal Control didn’t help with that either. But from day to day it was easier. I packed lunch for the office, which was really good. Some days were harder than others.
And then came the the Marshmallow Incident. I had dinner and was cooking or baking. On the counter was a bag of marshmallows. I really like marshmallows. Not sure what it is about them. They are fun to eat. I like the structure and the way they feel in my mouth. I kept looking at them and then finally I asked permission to have one. I was ready for him to say no, but instead he asked why. The answer was obvious, because I wanted one. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked, right? Apparently that wasn’t a good answer and the marshmallow was denied.
I think the aftermath of the Marshmallow Incident will need to have it’s own post on here.
The short version is that I had to explain myself and I very much hated that.
Now two weeks from the trial week have past and I’m still not sure how I feel about Meal Control. I have asked my followers on Twitter about their insight on that topic and have spoken to two lovely Twitter friends. Yet it weren’t the answers I was looking for.
I have been trying to live more by the rules set for Meal Control, I have asked permission more often instead of telling him what I had or am having. But it’s not easy. I have noticed that I eat less, if I have to ask, because getting over myself and ask for things.
I have also noticed that we have different understanding of different aspects of food. What is healthy, what to avoid. I assume it’s also a cultural thing.
Where do we go from here?
I have no idea. We will see what we both feel good with, what works for us. But I feel this post is just the first on that topic. More will follow.