I always have trouble with labels. I never saw myself as much of a masochist and after my encounter with “the sadist” I very clearly said that I’m anything but.
On the other hand, I clearly remember how wet I got when I received my first spanking or was slapped for the first time. Maybe it was the pain, maybe the humiliation, maybe both.
I guess I do enjoy pain, to some degree. And I hate it. This is why it works so well as a punishment for me. Take the “implement of all evil” (aka misery stick), I hate that fucking thing. It stings, especially when he applies it. There is no way for me to apply it in the same way as he does. That thing hurts and it keeps on hurting for a bit after he used it. But then comes that sweet feeling. You know what I mean, don’t you? The hurting or stinging slowly gets less. And if I’m lucky, there are marks. Preferably, marks that last for a while. And if I’m really lucky, the bruises still hurt when I touch them.
To some degree I enjoy pain, I crave it even. But there are limits and some pain is just too much. But as Molly wrote in the introduction to this #KinkOfTheWeek, masochism is not only about pain.
Suffering can happen without him even touching me. And that is something I’m very much into. Now, for the record, Sir isn’t unreasonable and he takes local life and circumstances under consideration. But there’s always the chance that he might say no to something I ask for. That moment of not knowing whether I’m allowed to orgasm or whatever else I gave him control over, is exciting, thrilling, and scary.
That might be the reason why LDR in d/s work for me. The rush of denial or humiliation can be as great as him caning the soles of my feet. Now that I think about it, this might be the reason why I crave to give him more control of me.
I guess I am a masochist after all.