I find myself in a weird situation

I thought long and hard about writing this post.

I’m not writing this to get sympathy, call anyone out, or anything really. As so often I am writing to sort my thoughts. And maybe along the way share my thoughts and feelings. I am not comparing what I am going through with anyone else.

I find myself in a weird situation.

Well, not just me, all of us. The lock-down, quarantine and general situation in the world is scary. We don’t know what will happen. And when. We have no idea when we will be able to go back to normal life. Work, friends, loved ones. I am worried about my parents and great parents. I am worried about my family and friends, who are self-employed and might face financial problems pretty soon.

And yes, I am worried about things for very selfish reasons. When will the schools be open again? When will I be able to travel again to see my boyfriend?

There are moments when all of this seems so unreal that I can’t believe it is actually happening.

I find myself in a weird situation.

I am in a pretty new relationship. With weird circumstances. It started as friendship and grew into more. Not long ago, we were making plans on when we’ll see each other again. We were leaning into the weird. And weird it is. But we decided to embrace it.

Although it’s a fairly new relationship, we both are very aware of what the other one is doing throughout the day. I’m not sure I ever was in such close contact with any man. And that with him living in a different country.

It’s new not only because it just started a couple of months ago, it’s also new because of all the feelings and thoughts I have. All the hopes, I allow myself to have. Very cautiously. Not that I didn’t have dreams and goals and hopes before. But they seem different now. More real. More realistic. More aware of obsticles and problems. I assume it has something to do with getting older and wiser. At least I hope so.

I find myself in a weird situation.

I don’t like asking for help. I prefer making it on my own. Figuring out how things work, and why. I also don’t like seeing myself as a victim. Sure in some situations I was just that. In other I might’ve been (partly) responsible. But even when going through something traumatising, I work hard to get through and emerge stronger.

What I have always hated is for other people to tell me what is right, how I (am supposed) to feel and feel sorry for me – making me out to be a victim.

I’ve come a long way learning not to self-sabotage myself. And I still have a long way to go. What makes it much harder is when the sabotage happens from outside. Little remarks and comments. I do my best to ignore them, but they hurt.

I find myself in a weird situation.

As much as the lock-down sucks, I can see good things about it. With every day my connection with him gets stronger and better. I have this person in my life, who allows me to have hopes and dreams again. He helps me when I do have those moments where I do my best to sabotage the good in my life.

I find myself in a weird situation.

This lock-down, quarantine and fear is having more of an impact on people’s minds and souls. At least that is what I tell myself. That is the only explanation for what I am facing and will face in the future, I fear.

I find myself in a weird situation.

I am dating a man and am friends with a woman, who get attacked and are hated by some. And by association I get treated in weird ways. Unfollowed and blocked by people, who had almost no interaction with me. And of course, my favourite part, feeling sorry for naive little me. How long until I too will be one of the bad guys?

I find myself in a weird situation.

But as I said, I’m embracing the weird. And I know I’m not alone. And neither are my friends and the people I love!

Read how others are dealing with the lock-down:

And here:

Find out about hopes and dreams in these weird times:

Explore thoughts on self-sabotage: