I had trouble with today’s letter. I did have an idea. I wanted to write about “Nice Things and why can’t have them” or why I believe I don’t deserve them. When I decided this, I was in a vulnerable and emotional place. But things improved. Although, one day this post will probably happen.
The next idea was a picture which was taken in March. But the letter didn’t fit. It was hard and I got frustrated. But then I recorded a voice message for Molly, just because I felt like it, and I remembered thoughts I had and what she wrote in her post yesterday.
I mentioned it before myself. This situation is new to me. Having a girlfriend, flirting with a woman, having this extra relationship, saying things like “my girlfriend messaged me”, and I’m not even mentioning this very weird and complex situation of my boyfriend and dom being married and the previous dom of my girlfriend and them being nesting partners.
I’m also not even trying to figure out what the future will bring. I have no idea, and how could I? It is all new to me.
While the men, I’ve been with in my life, are not always easy to understand and with many I still wonder why they did the things they did or didn’t do. Now I can’t even relate to a previous relationship or experience.
It’s very much learning by doing. Getting to know her, opening up to her. Obviously I do have female friends, but this is different. And I’m so so bad at flirting with women. Often I don’t even realise I’m being flirted with. It takes me a while. And on the rare occasions that I do realise it, I have no idea how to respond.
There are so many new things. It’s scary and exciting and intriguing.
As I was walking home from an appointment the other day, I saw that tree in the park. It’s new there. It has been growing somewhere and now it’s strong enough to make roots there. It is still protected and I’m sure people are looking after it and making sure everything is alright. The tree still needs to take root. And I like this metaphor.
It is all new and still need to take root, to be strong enough. But the start has been made and many more new things will follow.